(Spoilers because like seriously you never should ever watch this….. ever.)
There are no words for what I just had to endure. Oh yes I watched it. You really thought I was gonna drop the 5 dollars into the pot? You thought wrong. If you know me, you know I love American Psycho. It’s the reason why I am majoring in film and I hold it near and dear to my heart. The script, the direction, the atmosphere and the humor are all perfect. But all of this doesn’t work without in my humble opinion, the greatest movie character ever portrayed on screen, Patrick Bateman. He is of course portrayed by none other then Christian Bale. I love this character, I understand him, I laugh with him, I laugh at him. I understand his motivations and why he is the way he is. So what in the hell did I just watch? Seriously, like I wanna know what the planning of this film looked like. Patrick Bateman, my favorite character ever, is killed three minutes into the movie… yeah. THREE MINUTES! Are you joking with me? I sat there for 5 minutes trying to justify keeping this on. Until something happened. Mila Kunis’s character, Rachel Newman, is introduced. The only way I can truly get across the point is to explain to you how she is introduced. So you first find out she is the one who killed Patrick Bateman… off to an absolutely stellar start. Cut to 10 or so years later and she’s in college and walking down campus. Brian Leads, another character and future victim of Rachel’s, tosses her a frisbee and she catches it in the most awkward catch I’ve ever seen in a movie. But that’s not it. Oh no there’s plenty more over these painfully long 88 minutes. After Rachel “catches” the frisbee, she behind the back throwes it and Brian says “come on Rachel, you can do better then that”, which is of course a stupid thing to say to someone who just behind the back threw a frisbee to you. Rachel’s response says everything about what I am getting in this movie though. “That’s not what your momma said”. I swear, I am not making this up. The line delivery in this movie is worse then The Room. Now granted The Room is a masterpiece but it’s awfully acted and that’s what makes it special. But this is just awfully acted to the point of never wanting to watch a movie again. I swear I couldn’t take it. Here’s another example of a brilliant scene. Rachel is trying to off the other students in her class in line to become the next TA to William Shatner’s (more on him later) Robert Starkman, he professor. She goes out with Billy, the kid from the beginning, on a date and they drunkingly head back to Rachel’s dorm. As they’re about to get it on, Rachel asks if he has a condom. So she tells him she’s going to go get one. He then finds plastic underneath her sheets after she leaves and after this realization… she strangled him with a condom. But her one liner is what makes this scene, “for her pleasure too”. Yup. Now look, I can just go through a description of every scene but there’s really no point. This movie is utter trash. A poor excuse of a “sequel” that really made no sense to make. I mean American Psycho wasn’t a box office smash or anything. It developed a very dedicated cult following but all they’ve done in making this movie, is anger and confuse people like me. The only connection of American Psycho is killed off in 3 minutes of screentime early on. I will say towards the finale of the film, there’s a scene where Rachel is in the bathroom and you hear her narration talking about how she feels about her mother. This is as close as it gets to the original film. Other then this, this just seems like a stupid cliche slasher flick that is banking on the name that thinks it’s smarter then it really is, but in fact it has extremely lazy filmmaking on display along with some of the most loathesome and stupid characters ever. Patrick Bateman may have be a disturbed and psychotic individual but you strangely connected with him and found humor in these immensely dark situations. Rachel on the other hand, is just an awful person who is like mediocre Patrick Bateman but without all the positives that make him so great. I will say this for positives of the film and believe me I’m stretching here, Mila Kunis is of course a very beautiful girl and she’s nice to look at. I really like her as a comedy actress, That 70’s Show is fantastic. she’s really good in Black Swan, which shows her dramatic chops. What the hell is she doing in this movie though? Couldn’t they have gotten anyone else? I mean she does have this really dark looking state going on in the movie but I’m just thinking she was just so dead inside from the script she was having to deal with. Besides this, the only real positive this film has going for it is William Shatner and his wonderfully awful line delivery. I mean it’s honestly like the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. The film tries to pull a twist at the end with it being found out that Rachel is just an identity this girl stole of a former victim she was hiding in her dorm closet but like wouldn’t the cops figure this out by the littlest detective work? Ugh okay I’m done. American Psycho 2: All American Girl is one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched. It is extremely disrespectful and betrays everything it’s predecessor was built upon. Don’t ever watch this movie. Just watch the original, it’s fantastic and amazing, both things this movie knows nothing about.
Kyle’s Next Film:
Edge of Tomorrow (2014)
Kyle and I are absolute Tom Cruise fanboys. Top Gun is Kyle’s favorite film and it’s one of mine. We love him. How can you not? He puts 110% in every role he’s ever done. With the recent passing of the legendary Bill Paxton (RIP), I decided that it was time for Kyle to view this amazing sci-fi take on Groundhog Day. I hope you enjoy this movie Kyle!